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I've been going through a barrage of strange emotions and thoughts over the past few days. It started with going out with some friends from high school. I'm aware that I'm not on the "favorites" list of one of the girls, though I thought maybe, just maybe, 4 years of not seeing her would a) perhaps open her up to receiving some of the love and friendship I'm offering, and b) might have changed my own perceived personality conflict with her.
I was wrong on both accounts. Self-realization #1: It really bothers me when someone doesn't like me. After "out processing" with Bradlee (talking outloud and processing at the same time), I know it comes from me having massive amounts of love to give freely, and being astronomically slapped in the face when it is shoved back. I have to realize that personality conflicts will happen...no matter how loving I want to be. Self-realization #2 (one that I've been having over and over again): I'm not going to like everyone who walks into my life. *Sigh*
While on the outside, the night progressed nicely, I knew deep down that she was keeping quite the facade. Later, I started replaying the night over, and came to the terrible realization that some things I had said in purely good humor may have been taken by her to be malicious and hurtful...not my intention in the least. If she had shown up not liking me in the first place, there was no reason why she wouldn't completely hate me now. I sent her an e-mail of apology. And I realize now this is all I can do.
I haven't felt malicious energy invade my space for a number of years...so it's thrown me completely off kilter. Ugh.
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I think I've mentioned that I'm reading an incredible book right now: Autobiography of a Face. It's a woman's account of her struggle with cancer and its effects.
It's effects: 1/3 of her jaw had to be removed when she was 9 years old, leaving her with a disfigured face, on top of all side-effect which come with radiation and chemo.
I cannot imagine walking through life with cancer. Her struggles and triumphs were immense. I CAN, however, relate completely to traveling this journey with a disfigured face.
In one of the pages, she recounts how she would cover half of her face with her hand and imagine being beautiful. I could not control the tears which then freely began to flow from my eyes. This has been a ritual my whole life (one which I unconsciously still practice often): covering the left side of my face and imagining how different life would be if it were symmetrical. I realize I carry myself in a way that does not denote someone who has gone through life disfigured. I can thank Mom for that one. I was never allowed to cover my face or walk with my head down growing up. If I did, I was reprimanded sharply. "There's nothing wrong with you," she would tell me. And so began a life-long mantra.
Though, affirming there is "nothing wrong" is still lightyears away from affirming beauty itself. I began despairing earlier. As I have written before, I have one partner who unabashedly and endlessly affirms my physical beauty. He has the art of making me blush down to a tee. My other partners do not so much, not as freely, at least. I became uncomfortable with this. Clearly the fact that I do not hear it often must mean that I am not attractive at all.
A second (more reasonable) thought always follows. Why do I need this affirmation from other people? Why do I hunger for people to tell me I'm beautiful and expound their attraction for me?
While I believe that I love myself in many ways and am nurturing to my own spirit...I do not believe I have yet reached full love and acceptance. I am working to walk this path, but I am not quite there yet. I love my body, hate my face. I must be able to get out of and beyond this space. I must. I've been living here for 25 years.
My biggest fear at the moment is showing up to Jacksonville, Fl in June and not being put in the show due to aesthetic reasons. I am trying my hardest to deviate my thoughts from this type of negativity, though I don't quite know where to start.
I see many soul-searching nights in front of me.
Monday, December 29, 2008
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3 comments:
I realize this was posted a few months ago, and you're probably not in the same place right now, but since I'm reading it for the first time, right now I'm affected by it. Heather, you have to know that you have one of the most beautiful souls I've ever met. It shines through you in a way that makes you breathless. The energy you exude is intoxicating, in a way that makes it so wonderful to be around you. Off and on over the years since college, I've always regretted that I didn't get the chance to get to know you better or become closer friends with you. I have the overwhelming sensation that we would have been inseperable, in a completely platonic, kindred spirts kind of way, had I not been so busy and involved in other things when we lived in the same dorm. It is one of my few regrets from college. I am so deeply affected by what you wrote here -- mainly because I have NEVER seen you as anything less than stunning. Symmetrical features do not make a person beautiful. I know I can't be the only one who feels this way about you. You are truly one of the most beautiful people I've ever met. I hope that you continue to put a little piece of yourself out on the internet, so that from time to time, I can reach out to read an update of how you're doing and where you are, and be able to have these moments where I wallow in the sense of loss over all the time I never got to spend with you when I had the chance. Much love!
I realize this was posted a few months ago, and you're probably not in the same place right now, but since I'm reading it for the first time, right now I'm affected by it. Heather, you have to know that you have one of the most beautiful souls I've ever met. It shines through you in a way that makes you breathless. The energy you exude is intoxicating, in a way that makes it so wonderful to be around you. Off and on over the years since college, I've always regretted that I didn't get the chance to get to know you better or become closer friends with you. I have the overwhelming sensation that we would have been inseperable, in a completely platonic, kindred spirts kind of way, had I not been so busy and involved in other things when we lived in the same dorm. It is one of my few regrets from college. I am so deeply affected by what you wrote here -- mainly because I have NEVER seen you as anything less than stunning. Symmetrical features do not make a person beautiful. I know I can't be the only one who feels this way about you. You are truly one of the most beautiful people I've ever met. I hope that you continue to put a little piece of yourself out on the internet, so that from time to time, I can reach out to read an update of how you're doing and where you are, and be able to have these moments where I wallow in the sense of loss over all the time I never got to spend with you when I had the chance. Much love!
I realize this was posted a few months ago, and you're probably not in the same place right now, but since I'm reading it for the first time, right now I'm affected by it. Heather, you have to know that you have one of the most beautiful souls I've ever met. It shines through you in a way that makes you breathless. The energy you exude is intoxicating, in a way that makes it so wonderful to be around you. Off and on over the years since college, I've always regretted that I didn't get the chance to get to know you better or become closer friends with you. I have the overwhelming sensation that we would have been inseperable, in a completely platonic, kindred spirts kind of way, had I not been so busy and involved in other things when we lived in the same dorm. It is one of my few regrets from college. I am so deeply affected by what you wrote here -- mainly because I have NEVER seen you as anything less than stunning. Symmetrical features do not make a person beautiful. I know I can't be the only one who feels this way about you. You are truly one of the most beautiful people I've ever met. I hope that you continue to put a little piece of yourself out on the internet, so that from time to time, I can reach out to read an update of how you're doing and where you are, and be able to have these moments where I wallow in the sense of loss over all the time I never got to spend with you when I had the chance. Much love!
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